Dr. Damages Smack Down: Ndi Okereke Onyiuke Vs Aliko Dangote (Part 2)

Posted: March 16, 2011 - 21:21

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Correct Me If I Am Right By Rudolf Okonkwo

Announcer: And here is your Tonight Show host, Dr. Njakiri Damages.

(Applause)

Dr. Damages: Welcome to another special edition of the Tonight show. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that “to be misunderstood is to be great.” Nobody is more misunderstood than our savior, the truly begotten Son of God, Jesus Christ. Even while he was alive, he knew that he was misunderstood. He was sure that even those closest to him did not understand him. To confirm his suspicions, he once asked his disciples, “Who do people say I am?” His disciples named Elijah, Moses, Job, Abraham etc. Then Jesus asked them, “Who do you think I am?” James jumped up and answered, “You are the me in me.” John disagreed. He raised his hands and said, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning of our interpersonal relationship.”
And Jesus said, “What?”

(Laughter)

Our guest today said that, “When oil drops to $40 a barrel, it is companies like Obajana (his cement company) that will save Nigeria.” So in more ways than one, he is a savior of some sort. Last week, we had the chance to end the show at the cliffhanger, when the 200 pound gorilla walked into the room. But we did not because an elephant entered the room soon after. We left the show when Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke jumped off her chair to confront Aliko Dangote. Alhaji Dangote was on his way to the bathroom at the lobby of Eko Hotels & Suites.

So relax, and enjoy the smack down between Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke and Aliko Dangote.

Aliko Dangote: (After taking an up and down look at Okereke-Onyiuke) Ina kwana!

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (Wagging her finger in front of Dangote) Coward! Lilly-hearted coward! Look at you, billionaire for mouth. You had a complaint about a company you were President and Chairman of Council. Instead of bringing it up to the board, you went behind everyone’s back to sneakily deposit a petition to the SEC. Shame! Sissy.

Aliko Dangote: Does it really matter?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: It does. It says a lot about your integrity. What kind of man is afraid of facing a woman with whatever concerns he has?

Aliko Dangote: I achieved my goal and that’s what matters.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (leans closer to Dangote) For you, it’s always about the end. The end may justify the means today, but like all other bullshits, it can only take you so far before it punctures your big belly.

(Dr. Damages tries to stand up. Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke pushes him down)

Aliko Dangote: All prayers end in Amen. But thanks for the advice, though. Na gwode. I produce water, so I’m a well. You don’t produce water, so you’re a toilet. Chikena!

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (She puffs. Smoke flies off her ears) How do you live with yourself? How do you sleep at night? Do you have to lie about the state of the NSE to get a little woman like me out of your way?

Aliko Dangote: Little woman? When was the last time you looked at the mirror?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: I mean, you knew quite well that the NSE account was in order and that we were capable of fulfilling our obligations.

Aliko Dangote: Yeah! Obviously, you carry your crazy mirror wherever you go. It clearly shows you the reverse of everything. In the view of your mirror, the rotund is skinny and the skinny is rotund.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You know that we ran a surplus at the NSE. And the Exchange pension was healthy. Why were you so uncomfortable with a woman in a position of authority? You prefer to have all women locked up like your wives? Is that it?

Aliko Dangote: You overstayed your welcome.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Really? Was that it?

Aliko Dangote: You got swallowed by ‘Transcorpse’. You got corrupted. You got distracted.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (She stomps her feet on the carpet like a ram about to charge). So you can open this your tuwo-eating mouth and say the word corruption? Who is more corrupt? You or I?

Aliko Dangote: You don’t know anything about me.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You manipulate shares. You participate in insider trading. You overinflate stock values. What economic crimes do you not commit? And if you think your hands are clean, why don’t you allow open debates on these issues?

Aliko Dangote: I’m not stopping you from debating. In fact, that’s why I stopped here to indulge you.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Why then did you buy up all of Nigeria’s media? You won’t let them carry my view or any opposing view.

Aliko Dangote: As far as I know, I don’t own any newspaper.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: But you own many journalists in this country. You have some on retainership.

Aliko Dangote: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Remember that meeting at your house in Lagos that was attended by top Nigerian editors and columnists?

Aliko Dangote: I’m always meeting with journalists.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: It was not the other big one. At this Andy Uba’s meeting, Rueben Abati vowed to carry out a particular instruction from you. Remember? You threatened to pull all your companies’ advertisements off the Guardian newspapers unless your wishes were carried out. Remember? You even threatened to have all your friends pull their advertisements from the Guardian. And Rueben said that you should consider it done. The meeting where Ray Ekpu initially rejected your big envelope but later reconsidered. Journalists may amuse you with flattery but I consider you ethically rotten. And I will say it to your face.

Aliko Dangote: I take it that you have nothing else to say. What is the use of a sharpened tongue when your pulpit has been taken away? I have to go back inside. I just found it pathetic that you have been reduced to a disgruntled placard-carrying woman. Very sad! I was told that you had set up a rival stock exchange at Orile Bus Stop. Obviously it did not work out. Pele o!

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Whatever you do, you will never rubbish my achievements at the NSE.

Aliko Dangote: What achievements?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: I refurbished the exchange building. I bought out Daily Times’ interest in the exchange. I bought a generator. I opened many branches.

Aliko Dangote: We will etch your name in marble or do you prefer your name on a wall that doesn’t leak?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Go blank yourself.

(Dr. Damages senses an escalation. He tries to get up. Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke pushes him down with the heels of her high shoes.)

Aliko Dangote: I take it that we are done here.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You know, for someone who claims to practice the free market, you hate competition, hate free speech and free enterprises. Your life is simply a lie. And like all lies, it will catch up with you one day.

Aliko Dangote: If my life is a lie, what is yours? You lied to the National Assembly that Obasanjo did not own any shares in Transcorp. What did you build at Transcorp? Wasn’t it operating as a monopoly sanctioned by the government?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Without monopolies you will be nothing. You dominate the sugar, cement, rice, pasta, textile and salt markets. You suck up to politicians just to secure preferential treatments.

Aliko Dangote: I do not operate monopolies. I do volume businesses that undercut competitors. I can distribute cheaper and faster. I own my own transportation company.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: So why do you go to bed with every government in power?

Aliko Dangote: “I am close to people in government because I am one of the big businessmen in Nigeria. If we don’t have the right people there then all the money I have is useless. If the country turns into another Zimbabwe, for example, then I will become a poor person.”

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Now that should be on marble.

Aliko Dangote: But it’s true. I employ over 30,000 people in Nigeria. If I go down, they will all go down with me.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: All I know is that you’re a baron.

Aliko Dangote: That’s where you screwed yourself up. I’m the Nigerian stock exchange. You worked for me. When you became disgruntled, I got rid of you. You and your Ivy league PhD. And there is nothing you can do about it. Whatever you say, nobody in the media will pay you any attention.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You pretend to be humble but deep inside, you’re a ruthless baron.

Aliko Dangote: If things were easier, you would have seen 20 Alikos doing business in Nigeria.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: If you had not used the government sanctioned monopoly to crush all competitors, there would have been 100 Alikos doing business in Nigeria. Imagine 100 Alikos each employing 30,000 Nigerians. That would be 3,000,000 Nigerians gainfully employed. But you won’t let that happen. Your greed won’t let you. You fear competition. Chicken!

Aliko Dangote: Name one competitor I have stopped.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Ibeto Cement.

Aliko Dangote: It wasn’t me that stopped him. It was Obasanjo. It had nothing to do with me. It was all about that thing Baba has for, or should I say, against, Igbo people. He has something deep for Igbo women and equally something deep against Igbo men. It must be some kind of Biafra reflex.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You’re the reason our railway is not working.

Aliko Dangote: But I’m building one.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Yes. Why is it that the only things that seem to work in this country are the things you build? Why is that? You sabotage things until you own them. Isn’t it? Now you are interested in power generation, I bet you, power supply will now work.

Aliko Dangote: That’s why private enterprises are said to be more efficient than government enterprises. Didn’t they teach you that at your fancy colleges? Lady, I get whatever I want. If you don’t like it, go and shit bees.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (Laughs, raises her hands up in the air.) Look who is talking. You tried but failed to acquire Aisha Yar’Adua for a wife.

Aliko Dangote: I really did not want her. I just wanted to penetrate the inner circles of Yar’Adua’s administration. If I really wanted her, shege, I will shake Aso Rocks. I will add 100 naira to every bag of cement sold in this country and I will have enough money to mold a life-size statue of Turai in pure gold. That would have done it. The truth of the matter is that my source told me that the man was kaput. So I didn’t need to waste money on his wife and daughter. Instead, I invested in Goodluck Jonathan. And now, I am on the Forbes’ list of the 50th richest people on the face of the earth.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: But you destroyed the business of Abdurrahman Musa Bashir, Aisha’s boyfriend. The same way you destroyed Ibeto, Chicason and others. Why do you always have to destroy your competitors?

Aliko Dangote: I have never stolen anything from Nigeria. I don’t trade contracts. I am a patriotic Nigerian. My personal assistant is a Yoruba man. My head of Corporate Affairs is a Christian from Delta State. All my investments are in Nigeria. My money is clean.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You’re stealing from Nigeria by other means. You run a cartel. What you sell, the government bans. If the government gives one of those Alaba boys the monopoly to import ordinary toothpicks into Nigeria, for just ten years, he will become a billionaire. He will build the largest toothpick manufacturing company in Nigeria. And he will give more money to charity than you do. Miser! In fact, he will hire an Hausa man as his CEO. So you know, because none of those sycophants around you will tell you, your business skills are at the level of 1826 baron period in America. If you are that good, take your business to a First world country and see if you won’t be bundled into prison for anti-trust fraud like New York hedge fund billionaire, Raj Rajaratnam.

Aliko Dangote: You know what, I help a lot of people to feed their families.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Your business practices kill more people than they help. I will continue to scream that you are buying up Nigeria until someone hears me.

Aliko Dangote: Nobody will hear you. I have the keys to Aso Rocks. I have the keys to the printing press. What are you gonna do? Stand on the roadside like a mad woman and scream? Your negatives are more than mine.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: It’s because of people like you that anti-trust laws were written.

Aliko Dangote: (Takes a look at his watch.) Nigerians like noise makers like you. But the Dangotes are not loud. One day, when I am fed up with critics like you, I will close all my businesses in Nigeria.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: That will be Independence Day for Nigeria. Immediately you do that, 100 Alikos will emerge and employ 3 million Nigerians.

Aliko Dangote: Say what you want, I put Nigeria on the world map. Not Obasanjo. Not Babangida. And of course, not the fisherman in Aso Rocks. Not any of those thieves in government. And of course, not even bookuru people like Wole Soyinka. I’m the one on the Forbes magazine list of the richest people in the world.

Dr. Damages: May I say something?

(Aliko Dangote and Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke say ‘no’ all at once.)

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You know, because of poverty and ignorance, low expectations are killing us in Nigeria. If you aim for the stars, chances are that you may hit the palm trees. And if you aim for the palm trees, you may end up hitting the cocoyam. I must accept that I came back to Nigeria and bought into it. I have seen what devastation it can cause. I no longer want any part of it. It’s better to have no expectations than to have low expectations. The person with no expectations is not easily bemused. The person with low expectations is so beside himself to see how the ugliness behind the beauty is killing him softly. One treasure looter dies a lonely death. But a monopolist takes a thousand people with him.

Aliko Dangote: I was born in money. I could have spent my life enjoying the money my family made. But I wanted to help the less fortunate. And this is the thanks I’m getting?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Accept it. You started out like any of these Igbo boy in Oshodi. Then several governments carried you up. I know how you were made. The military made you with exclusive import licenses.

Aliko Dangote: That’s a lie. The military locked up leading business men for corruption and we were lucky to be able to move in, taking control of sugar and rice importations.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You bought government companies without open bids. Your friends in politics just handed them over to you.

Aliko Dangote: Look at the charcoal calling a kettle black. You never ask for whom the bell tolls until it tolls for you. Call me black pot or whatever. What matters is that white porridge comes out of this black pot.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You stand on a blind man’s testicles only once. That’s why I’m screaming out even though you have bought up the media. I will spend the rest of my life fighting for Nigeria.

Aliko Dangote: Ride on, lady. I’m the Nigeria that you’re fighting for.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Then stop preventing the media from carrying my views. I can’t wait until Buhari becomes President. I’m sure you will be first to flee Nigeria.

Aliko Dangote: Over my dead body will that happen.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: But it isn’t your decision. It’s the voters of Nigeria that will decide.

Aliko Dangote: Don’t fool yourself. In Nigeria, the billionaires are the Electoral College. We own the ballot boxes. We speak the language judges understand. What we say is what matters. The voters can go to hell.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Then stop blocking the media from carrying my views and let us see who will win the argument.

Aliko Dangote: Kai. A nose without a hole is a useless thing. If I block you from the media, you can go to Tinubu Square and spread my underwear.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: No, you did not go there?

Aliko Dangote: Go where?

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: The underwear.

Aliko Dangote: Yes, I did. Unlike you, I do not put on airs. I wear underwear.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Please! Male or female underwear?

Aliko Dangote: What are you talking about? I wear male underwear.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: I know. I also know that your underwear gets soiled, too. But my question is, which man’s underwear do you wear?

(Onyiuke moves in as if to hold Dangote by the waist. Dangote docks. He stretches his hand to hold off Onyiuke. His hand grabs Onyiuke’s head. Onyiuke waggles. Dangote pulls on her hair. Her wig flies off her head and onto the floor. She bends to the floor and grabs it. She struggles to put it back in place.)

Aliko Dangote: You see! Fake hair! Everything about you is fake.

(Tony Onyima and two of Aliko Dangote’s assistants walk in. They prostrate in unison.)

Tony Onyima: Sir, we’re ready for your award.

Aliko Dangote: Ok, make I piss first! (He turns to Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke) Sai an jima!

(Aliko Dangote walks to the bathroom, his hands on his crotch.)

(Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke sinks back into her chair, still trying to position her wig well.

Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (Turns to Dr. Damages) I go show am.

Dr. Damages: (looking into the camera) Wherever he is today, Dallas Cowboy founder, Clint W. Murchison, will be smiling. Not long ago, he observed that, “money is like manure, if you spread it around, it does a lot of good, but if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell.” Until next week, good night and God bless Nigeria.

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