Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You’re the reason our railway is not working.
Aliko Dangote: But I’m building one.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Yes. Why is it that the only things that seem to work in this country are the things you build? Why is that? You sabotage things until you own them. Isn’t it? Now you are interested in power generation, I bet you, power supply will now work.
Aliko Dangote: That’s why private enterprises are said to be more efficient than government enterprises. Didn’t they teach you that at your fancy colleges? Lady, I get whatever I want. If you don’t like it, go and shit bees.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (Laughs, raises her hands up in the air.) Look who is talking. You tried but failed to acquire Aisha Yar’Adua for a wife.
Aliko Dangote: I really did not want her. I just wanted to penetrate the inner circles of Yar’Adua’s administration. If I really wanted her, shege, I will shake Aso Rocks. I will add 100 naira to every bag of cement sold in this country and I will have enough money to mold a life-size statue of Turai in pure gold. That would have done it. The truth of the matter is that my source told me that the man was kaput. So I didn’t need to waste money on his wife and daughter. Instead, I invested in Goodluck Jonathan. And now, I am on the Forbes’ list of the 50th richest people on the face of the earth.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: But you destroyed the business of Abdurrahman Musa Bashir, Aisha’s boyfriend. The same way you destroyed Ibeto, Chicason and others. Why do you always have to destroy your competitors?
Aliko Dangote: I have never stolen anything from Nigeria. I don’t trade contracts. I am a patriotic Nigerian. My personal assistant is a Yoruba man. My head of Corporate Affairs is a Christian from Delta State. All my investments are in Nigeria. My money is clean.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You’re stealing from Nigeria by other means. You run a cartel. What you sell, the government bans. If the government gives one of those Alaba boys the monopoly to import ordinary toothpicks into Nigeria, for just ten years, he will become a billionaire. He will build the largest toothpick manufacturing company in Nigeria. And he will give more money to charity than you do. Miser! In fact, he will hire an Hausa man as his CEO. So you know, because none of those sycophants around you will tell you, your business skills are at the level of 1826 baron period in America. If you are that good, take your business to a First world country and see if you won’t be bundled into prison for anti-trust fraud like New York hedge fund billionaire, Raj Rajaratnam.
Aliko Dangote: You know what, I help a lot of people to feed their families.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Your business practices kill more people than they help. I will continue to scream that you are buying up Nigeria until someone hears me.
Aliko Dangote: Nobody will hear you. I have the keys to Aso Rocks. I have the keys to the printing press. What are you gonna do? Stand on the roadside like a mad woman and scream? Your negatives are more than mine.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: It’s because of people like you that anti-trust laws were written.
Aliko Dangote: (Takes a look at his watch.) Nigerians like noise makers like you. But the Dangotes are not loud. One day, when I am fed up with critics like you, I will close all my businesses in Nigeria.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: That will be Independence Day for Nigeria. Immediately you do that, 100 Alikos will emerge and employ 3 million Nigerians.
Aliko Dangote: Say what you want, I put Nigeria on the world map. Not Obasanjo. Not Babangida. And of course, not the fisherman in Aso Rocks. Not any of those thieves in government. And of course, not even bookuru people like Wole Soyinka. I’m the one on the Forbes magazine list of the richest people in the world.
Dr. Damages: May I say something?
(Aliko Dangote and Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke say ‘no’ all at once.)
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You know, because of poverty and ignorance, low expectations are killing us in Nigeria. If you aim for the stars, chances are that you may hit the palm trees. And if you aim for the palm trees, you may end up hitting the cocoyam. I must accept that I came back to Nigeria and bought into it. I have seen what devastation it can cause. I no longer want any part of it. It’s better to have no expectations than to have low expectations. The person with no expectations is not easily bemused. The person with low expectations is so beside himself to see how the ugliness behind the beauty is killing him softly. One treasure looter dies a lonely death. But a monopolist takes a thousand people with him.
Aliko Dangote: I was born in money. I could have spent my life enjoying the money my family made. But I wanted to help the less fortunate. And this is the thanks I’m getting?
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Accept it. You started out like any of these Igbo boys in Oshodi. Then several governments carried you up. I know how you were made. The military made you with exclusive import licenses.
Aliko Dangote: That’s a lie. The military locked up leading business men for corruption and we were lucky to be able to move in, taking control of sugar and rice importations.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You bought government companies without open bids. Your friends in politics just handed them over to you.
Aliko Dangote: Look at the charcoal calling a kettle black. You never ask for whom the bell tolls until it tolls for you. Call me black pot or whatever. What matters is that white porridge comes out of this black pot.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: You stand on a blind man’s testicles only once. That’s why I’m screaming out even though you have bought up the media. I will spend the rest of my life fighting for Nigeria.
Aliko Dangote: Ride on, lady. I’m the Nigeria that you’re fighting for.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Then stop preventing the media from carrying my views. I can’t wait until Buhari becomes President. I’m sure you will be first to flee Nigeria.
Aliko Dangote: Over my dead body will that happen.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: But it isn’t your decision. It’s the voters of Nigeria that will decide.
Aliko Dangote: Don’t fool yourself. In Nigeria, the billionaires are the Electoral College. We own the ballot boxes. We speak the language judges understand. What we say is what matters. The voters can go to hell.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Then stop blocking the media from carrying my views and let us see who will win the argument.
Aliko Dangote: Kai. A nose without a hole is a useless thing. If I block you from the media, you can go to Tinubu Square and spread my underwear.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: No, you did not go there?
Aliko Dangote: Go where?
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: The underwear.
Aliko Dangote: Yes, I did. Unlike you, I do not put on airs. I wear underwear.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: Please! Male or female underwear?
Aliko Dangote: What are you talking about? I wear male underwear.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: I know. I also know that your underwear gets soiled, too. But my question is, which man’s underwear do you wear?
(Onyiuke moves in as if to hold Dangote by the waist. Dangote docks. He stretches his hand to hold off Onyiuke. His hand grabs Onyiuke’s head. Onyiuke waggles. Dangote pulls on her hair. Her wig flies off her head and onto the floor. She bends to the floor and grabs it. She struggles to put it back in place.)
Aliko Dangote: You see! Fake hair! Everything about you is fake.
(Tony Onyima and two of Aliko Dangote’s assistants walk in. They prostrate in unison.)
Tony Onyima: Sir, we’re ready for your award.
Aliko Dangote: Ok, make I piss first! (He turns to Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke) Sai an jima!
(Aliko Dangote walks to the bathroom, his hands on his crotch.)
(Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke sinks back into her chair, still trying to position her wig well.
Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke: (Turns to Dr. Damages) I go show am.
Dr. Damages: (looking into the camera) Wherever he is today, Dallas Cowboy founder, Clint W. Murchison, will be smiling. Not long ago, he observed that, “money is like manure, if you spread it around, it does a lot of good, but if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell.” Until next week, good night and God bless Nigeria.
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